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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23324770">I love you, dipshit</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyre_called_my_sandals/pseuds/theyre_called_my_sandals'>theyre_called_my_sandals</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magicians (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Depressed Quentin Coldwater, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Harm, flinching, im just projecting here</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:07:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,359</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23324770</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyre_called_my_sandals/pseuds/theyre_called_my_sandals</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one-shots revolving around Quentin being angsty and Penny comforting him (and occasionally Quentin helps penny too). Set in any season depending on the chapter.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Penny/Quentin, William "Penny" Adiyodi &amp; Quentin Coldwater, William "Penny" Adiyodi/Quentin Coldwater</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGER WARNING: check the tags</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>CHAPTER ONE: in which Penny can hear every terrible thought in Quentin's head.</p><p>Penny was used to roommates with loud thoughts. In foster care, he met plenty of kids who crammed every thought into his overstuffed brain until it felt like it was going to burst. Penny had been deemed mental as he gripped his head and begged them to shut up despite them never opening their whiny mouths. But none had ever been so bad as Quentin fucking Coldwater. </p><p>Maybe that was a lie, but he had higher standards at a school for magicians. The children he had roomed with throughout his miserable childhood hadn't been at fault, but Penny will be damned if he suffers silently because someone who is perfectly capable can't get their shit together long enough to put up halfway decent wards. </p><p>And god! It's not even the thoughts so much as the emotions. Penny has yet to get a clear thought from the asshole, just string after string of all the emotions Penny had been managing to block out for himself for years. Another thing Quentin had ruined. So yeah, forgive Penny for not being the most friendly. </p><p>However, shit went down, and things changed. </p><p>After their whole fight and Penny trying to get him expelled, and then Quentin getting trapped in his own mind, they made up. Apologies and all that. Lately, they'd been getting along really well, actually. Penny actually had to say that Quentin was one of his best friends (which wasn't saying much considering how few friends penny had). Quentin had even made the effort with his wards, leaving Penny to relative peace and quiet every night. </p><p>But not tonight. </p><p>Penny groaned as he was woken up by a sudden flood of emotion reeking of Quentin. Anger sparked in him.</p><p>"That little shit-" Penny cut himself off, rolling over and trying to block it out. Anguish is the word Penny wants to use for these feelings. Panic was also evident in the jumble. Desperation. Dejection. Grief. Cheerlessness. There were a thousand words that Penny could use to summarize that he felt like shit. Was this how Quentin Felt all the time? God, he hoped not. Penny, if he were honest with himself, cared about Quentin a little too much. Cared about him in the way that he felt like he really shouldn't. </p><p>
  <i> Would it really matter if you died? </i>
</p><p>Whoa. That was not one of Penny's thoughts. </p><p>
  <i> Just do it already, you worthless piece of shit. No one wants you here anyway. </i>
</p><p>Was this.......were these Quentin thoughts? Is this how he talks to himself? Damn. The guy was more fucked up than Penny had thought. And what did the voice want him to do? Run away? Penny pushed harder into Quentin's brain, until he could literately see through Quentin's eyes, </p><p>He was sitting on a white tile floor, cold beneath his thin pajama pants. Holding a knife to his wrist. </p><p>
  <i> Remember to slice vertically. Can't take any chances of failing, though knowing you that what'll happen no matter what. </i>
</p><p>Penny felt something warm slide down his- Quentin's- cheek. Tears? He could almost feel the cold steel press against Quentin's wrist as his eyes closed and his whole body tensed and then-</p><p>And then Penny was in the bathroom with him.</p><p>"Shit!" Quentin yelled, jumping so hard he accidentally cut himself. "Oh, uh, h-hi Penny. Wh-whatcha doing here?"</p><p>"Cut the shit, Coldwater."</p><p>'Right, sorry. I'll uh...I'll Redo my wards. Sorry for waking you up." Quentin fidgeted uncomfortably, ignoring the gash on his arm.</p><p>"What? No. I don't care that you woke me up, dipshit, I care that you're over here trying to fucking kill yourself! What the hell is wrong with you?" Penny furrowed his eyebrows and was basically yelling by this point, opening every cabinet in search of a towel or something to stop the bleeding. </p><p>"Uhhhh I-I don't know."</p><p>"No shit, asshole. That was meant to be rhetorical." He found a towel at last and pressed it down hard onto Quentin's bleeding wrist. He cringed as the smaller man winced. "So do you want to explain yourself?"</p><p>"No, uh, not really." Quentin nestled his deas into the crook of his good elbow, sighing. "What do you care, anyway?"</p><p>"What do I- the fuck is that even supposed to mean, Coldwater? What, do you think I just wouldn't care if you died? What the fuck?"</p><p>"I mean, yeah, no. I don't know if you've noticed but we don't exactly get along all that well."  Quentin knew it was an understatement. Penny basically hated him, which sucked because he was damn hot if you asked Quentin. True, they had become something almost resembling friends lately, but they still weren't as close as Quentin wished they could be. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want Penny. He knew it was hopeless, however, as Penny was straight, with Kady to prove it, even if she was gone now. She was the one that Penny wanted, and he was- he was nothing. </p><p>
  <i> You're always nothing. You fucking piece of shit, you might as well kill yourself at this point. You couldn't even keep your goddamn wards up? no, you just had to ruin Penny's night. Now there's no chance of anything coming from your stupid little schoolgirl crush now, you worthless- </i>
</p><p>And then Penny was cupping his face in his hand and their lips were touching and Quentin was grabbing the back of Penny's neck and nothing had ever felt better to either of them. Penny pulled away and they were both gasping for breath. </p><p>"That's," Penny gasped, "why I care, dumbass."<br/>
""<br/>
Quentin remained speechless. </p><p><i> He's just saying that and you know it. No one cares about you. </i> </p><p>
  <i> SLAP</i>
</p><p>Quentin grabbed his stinging cheek, looking up at Penny in shock. "What the fuck, dude."</p><p>"That voice in your head? Yeah, make it shut the fuck up. Plenty of people care about you, dickhead. Get used to it, and put your wards back up for God's sake." </p><p>"Penny. What is happening? You show up here in the middle of the night and cause me to halfway slit my wrist, and then kissed me, and then slap me and then, I don't even know, Penny." Quentin seemed on the verge of a breakdown. </p><p>"Your shitty wards dropped and woke me up, and I heard you pulling out all that suicidal shit, so I came over. Obviously I didn't mean for you to cut yourself, that what I was trying to stop, moron. And I kissed you because I like you, and your dumbass is incapable of hiding how you feel about me. So, yeah. And also, you need to listen to me. Everything that bullshit voice is saying? It's wrong. You're none of those terrible things. So stop fucking pitying yourself."</p><p>There were a thousand words dancing on the tip of Quentin's tongue. Which he found himself placing inside Penny's mouth as he pulled the other man in for another long and passionate kiss.  </p><p>When Quentin opened his eyes they were in Penny's room in the Psychic's house. he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.</p><p>"Soundproof walls," Penny explained. "Keeps shit quiet for us. And Quentin-"</p><p>"Penny, save it for the morning? Please?" Penny answered with a swift nod and an even swifter removal of his shirt. </p><p>Quentin grinned. They were in for an amazing night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Penny notices that Quentin flinches a lot. Quentin notices the same about Penny. When they're paired up for the truth trials, they might just learn why. For this chapter, they're already dating.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING: check the tags</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>CHAPTER TWO: in which they both flinch from each other.</p><p>Penny was aggressive and intimidating, he knew this. But it hurt when Quentin flinched every time he put his arm around the shorter man. It hurt when Quentin jumped back if he talked too loud or aggressively, and it hurt when he flinched from Penny's every movement. Was he doing something wrong?</p><p>Penny recalled watching a movie in the Physical Kid's cottage, and the way that his lover had ducked his head when Penny attempted to wrap an arm around his shoulder, cowering away from him. Sure, after a moment Quentin realized what he did and leaned back into Penny, accepting his arm, but Penny was concerned nonetheless.</p><p>Or when Penny had pinned Quentin to the wall in the way that he often did as foreplay, and Quentin had covered his face, bracing for a blow that Penny would never deliver. Quentin had tried to play it off, but Penny remained concerned, despite saying nothing at the time. </p><p>The fear was what got to Penny the most. He could feel it radiating off of his boyfriend every time he flinched. Every time Penny got mad or aggressive or physical, or even when he was just existing near Quentin, he felt the fear. He could feel the love too, he knew Quentin wanted to be with him, but there was so much fear. Penny couldn't help but wonder: Was he doing something wrong? </p><p>Quentin was neither aggressive nor intimidating, he knew this. He was weak and timid all too often. So he couldn't understand why penny flinched from him so often. Not too noticeably and not too often, but Quentin's heart still sank every time. </p><p>There were times when Quentin couldn't figure out his schoolwork and would throw his hands up in frustration, only for Penny to flinch back, as though those hands were meant to harm him. </p><p>There were times when Quentin would go up to him for a hug or high-five, and he would jerk away before accepting.</p><p>Quentin didn't understand it. Penny never seemed scared of him in any way, and they both knew who would win in any sort of fight. And yet he still flinched. Quentin found himself wondering more and more often: was he doing something wrong?</p><p>Eliot was an asshole and Margo was a bitch. These trials were bullshit and the older student's abuse wasn't making it any easier. However, viewing each other naked and tied up in the middle of the woods, alone? That almost made it worth it. </p><p>"So, uh, where do we start?" Quentin, awkward as ever, asked. </p><p>Penny laughed. "I dunno, dude. Maybe tell me about yourself? What is the greatest secret of the one and only Quentin Coldwater?"</p><p>"Uh, I, uh, I've been institutionalized more than once." He spit out quickly, staring at the ropes binding his wrists, which didn't move.  </p><p>"Oh, shit. I'm sorry?"</p><p>"Nah it's fine, I'm better-ish now, uh, what-what about you?"</p><p>"Well, probably nothing as fucked up as you. Jeez, I hadn't been expecting that." He swallowed, debating what to say next. "Well, I grew up being bounced around from foster home to foster home. Never knew my dad and my mother was kinda in the looney bin." He didn't make eye contact with Quentin while saying this. </p><p>'Damn, that sucks. I couldn't imagine-"</p><p>"No, you couldn't." It came out angrier than he intended, and Quentin winced. "Sorry, Just, uh, can I ask you something?" </p><p>"That's why we're here. Shoot."</p><p>"Why do you flinch from everything that I do? Like just now, I got mad and you flinched? Or any time I move or do anything, you jump back and I can feel the anxiety in your head? Do you think I'm going to hurt you or something?" Penny sounded panicked, his words speeding up more and more as he went on. "Because I never would, and I know that I'm not close with too many people so maybe this is normal but I feel like it's not and I just want to know if I'm fucking shit up or-" </p><p>"Oh my God, no, Penny! Look, I-I know that you'd never- I know," he paused and took a deep breath. "Look. A while ago I was in a bad relationship. It lasted for almost a year until Julia helped me get out of it. I know that you wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me but he- he did. And I still get freaked out or whatever sometimes." though neither of them noticed, Quentin's ropes fell off as he was making this confession. "It has nothing to do with you; you know that I love and trust you completely, it's just my head being a little shit sometimes with the memories of what he did, but I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't know it was making you upset, I just-"</p><p>"Jesus, Q, you don't have to apologize. This is on that asshole, who I'm gonna beat the fuck out of as soon as we're done with these dumbass trials."</p><p>"Penny. you really don't need to-"</p><p>"Yes. I do. You're important to me whether you like it or not, and I'm gonna beat the everloving shit out of that ugly motherfucker-" </p><p>"Hey, can we just finish the trials first? Please? Look: my ropes are already off, we're halfway done and then we can talk more about this."</p><p>"Fine. Ask me anything I guess." Penny just wanted to go to bed at this point, and figure out how to get away with murder Quentin's ex in the morning. </p><p>"Why- why do you flinch from me?"</p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Sometimes when I get mad or talk too loud or something, you jump away. Is- did something happen to you too?"</p><p>{Penny sighed. "Like I said, I got bounced around from foster house to foster house. Some of them were nice, and well, others weren't. No big deal." </p><p>'No big deal? No big fucking deal? Penny, that's a pretty big deal! You were just a child and didn't do anything to deserve that and-"</p><p>Penny cut him off with a kiss, which they both quickly melted into as Penny's ropes unwound themselves. "Hey, dipshit, I'm fine. For real. It was a long time ago and I didn't even realize I was still flinching away. Honest to god I'm over it, or else the ropes wouldn't have come off, right?"</p><p>"Yeah I guess you're right. I'm still gonna kill them all" Quentin mumbled into his partner's lips</p><p>"Sure you are, dipshit" Penny smiled down at him. They had a lot more to talk about and a lot more murder to plan, but for now, they hugged in the moonlight.  Until the excruciating pain of being turned into geese came.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading, comments are always appreciated. Sorry for any typos or inconsistencies, or if this seems really rushed, I haven't written anything in forever. Also, I'm wicked bored in quarantine so I can try to write pretty much any requests y'all have (no promises though, I'm lowkey very lazy).</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading, I'll try to update soon. Comments are always appreciated and I'm sorry about any typos or inconsistencies, I'm writing this at like 3am.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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